The List

When I was 16, some well-meaning mentors of mine recommended I make a list of the things I absolutely wanted in my husband, from physical attributes to character traits. Four typed pages and 160 bullet points later, I had what a “perfect spouse” looked like to me down on paper. Things like: 2-5 years older than me, 5’8” to 6’2” tall, dark and moderately-short styled hair, nice abs, no visible tattoos or piercings, strong Christian example & leader (or striving to become), passionate with a clear, concise dream/goal/calling, makes me laugh, takes me on picnics, notices & remembers “the little things”…. you get the point. Some valid, some negligible, some ridiculously adolescent.

The good that came from this exercise is it made it very easy for me to date, as soon as I would see something in someone that was a non-negotiable on my list, I would walk away from them before I got emotionally attached or invested.
They didn’t make it through the filter, I told myself.

The negative part of this exercise was that I trained myself to see the imperfections in every potential suitor I met, without considering my own short-comings. And to keep seeking a fallacy who didn’t exist.

“In the history of the universe, there has been only one perfect person. He remained single all his life and died young. The rest of us are imperfect creatures, deeply flawed, struggling to find our way through the complex maze of relationships and choices we encounter. We make mistakes, we learn and grow, we adapt and move on.” Dave & Lisa Frisbie begin their book, “Happily Remarried” with this poignant thought.

My husband and I chose to open our wedding ceremony with the same quote because it is such a paradigm shift on how to look for a marriage partner. When you begin with this foundational building block in mind – that we are all flawed – then you seek a spouse and maintain your relationship with an unprecedented level of grace. Knowing that no one is going to be perfect, when your partner misses the mark, it’s ok. It does not mean they are defect and you must now walk away, or if already married, live with the miserable knowledge that you chose the “wrong one”.

Author Stormie Omartian offers some additional advice on this, “I think if I could help a new wife in any area, it would be to discourage her from coming into her marriage with a big list of expectations and then being upset when her husband doesn’t live up to them. Of course there are some basics that should be agreed upon before the wedding date such as fidelity, financial support, honesty, kindness, basic decency, high moral standards, physical and emotional love and protection. When you don’t get those things, you can ask for them. When you still don’t get them, you can pray for them. But when it comes to specifics, you can’t require one person to meet all of your needs. The pressure to do that and fulfill your dreams at the same time can be overwhelming to a man.

If we try to control our husbands by having a big list for them to live up to and then are angry and disappointed when they can’t, we are the ones in error.”

In “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts”, Les & Leslie Parrott quote a divorce attorney who once told them, the number-one reason two people split up is because they “refuse to admit they are married to a human being.”

“In every marriage, mutual hope gives way to mutual disillusionment the moment you realize your partner is not the perfect person you thought you married. But then again, he can’t be. No human being can fill our idealized dreams. A let down is inevitable,” the couple says.

The remedy for all of this is keeping the right expectations going in to marriage. But don’t take my word for it, I’m not the expert. I recommend delving further into the methods and advice these authors recommend in their books. You can never be too prepared for marriage.

To put the gravity of this in perspective, here’s the Introduction to “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts”:

“In the 1930s, one out of seven marriages ended in divorce. In the 1960s, it was one out of four. Of the 2.4 million couples who will get married this year in the United States, it is predicted that at least 43 percent will not survive. For too many couples, marriage has become ‘till divorce do us part’.

Every couple marrying today is at risk. More than two-hundred thousand new marriages each year end prior to the couple’s second anniversary. After they toss the bouquet and return the tuxedos, couples often assume they’re headed for marital bliss. But a study of those who recently tied the knot revealed that 49 percent reported having serious marital problems. Half were already having doubts about whether their marriage would last.

The truth is, most engaged couples prepare more for their wedding than they do for their marriage. The $50-billion-a-year wedding industry can testify to that fact. ….More than one million copies of bridal magazines are sold each month, focusing mainly on wedding ceremonies, honeymoons, and home furnishings – but not on marriage itself.”

Here’s a more beneficial list for preparing yourself for marriage.  The most helpful books I’ve read on the topic so far:

• “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts” by Les & Leslie Parrott (there is also a 2nd marriage version)
• “Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married” by Gary Chapman
• “Love & Respect” by Dr. Emmerson Eggrichs
• “Personality Plus” by Florence Littauer
• “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman
• “His Needs Her Needs” by Willard F. Harley, Jr.
• “Captivating” by Stasi Eldridge (the men’s counterpart to this is “Wild at Heart”)
• “Happily Remarried” by David & Lisa Frisbie
• “Marriage, Divorce & Remarriage” by Kenneth Hagin
• “Second Marriage” by Richard B, Stuart
• “The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian
• “Men Are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti” by Bill and Pam Farrell
• “The Invisible Bond” by Barbara Wilson
• “1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married” by Monica Leahy (this is fun to use on date nights and talk through together)

Ronnie & Nancy

He was married for nearly a decade; they shared a common interest and career in filmmaking.  Their union produced a daughter by birth and a son by adoption, and the couple also lost a daughter.  She filed for the divorce – neither of them ever publicly commented on its causes or its reasons.  Instead, they remained amicable and cared capably for their two children.  Both continued to work in their chosen professions.  both continued to move in the same circle of friends, acquaintances, and co-workers.

Three years after the divorce he found the courage to marry again.

He had met Nancy on a blind date arranged by a mutual friend.  After two years of steady dating, he proposed to her at Chasen’s restaurant.  She accepted, opening the first chapter of a lifelong romance that even the pair’s critics came to greatly admire.  Thus was born one of the most committed and loving unions of our time.

And for the record, this enduring romance bloomed within a second marriage.

For Ron, this second marriage would become his last one, spanning more than five decades, ending only at his death.  He would love and cherish his wife.  Along the way, the remarried couple would have children of their own, a son and a daughter, while enjoying a remarkable career in public life.

For Nancy, this marriage would in some ways reflect the experience of her mother.  She had married a man, Dr Loyal Davis, who had previously been divorced.  Nancy had witnessed in person, a second marriage that became a strong and lasting union.

The Reagans’ devotion to each other would become legendary, a fact noted by biographers, family members, close friends, and staff members.  Ron would talk of becoming lonely “when she left the room.”  When traveling on business, he’d send love notes, flowers, gifts and warm personal letters.

They began with a simple wedding, small and private.  The only witnesses were a close friend, actor William Holden, and his wife, Ardis.  Their marriage, however, would become a major part of their public persona and image, actively examined and written about by the press.  It would be witnessed by television viewers, by the residents of California, and later by the citizens of the United States and the world.  Their marriage would grow and thrive.

Ronnie and Nancy.  Together.  It’s impossible to picture one without the other.  Riding on horseback through the trails of their mountain ranch.  Arm in arm at a state dinner or some other government event.  He’d be speaking, perhaps, and the camera would pan back to reveal Nancy, listening, her eyes rapt with attention, her face shining with obvious (and very real) admiration for her husband.

He would spend eight years hosting a weekly television program.  He’d serve two terms as governor of the most populous state of the United States.  Eventually, he would also serve two terms as president of the U.S., surviving an assassination attempt early in his service to the nation.

Then, as always, Nancy would be at his side.

They would share a devotion to each other that never wavered, never waned, and never expired.  Time would only deepen the bond between them, only reinforce the commitment that held them so closely together.

Life was difficult at times.  He battled and survived colon cancer.  She fought and triumphed over breast cancer.  Whatever they faced, whatever life dealt them, they met it together with bravery and with firm resolve.

Failing to gain a nomination in his first run for the presidency, Ron, with Nancy, returned four years later to win one of the largest electoral victories of modern times.  Simply put, they wouldn’t quit, wouldn’t give up, wouldn’t abandon the dream.  It was that way in their marriage also; they were committed forever.

For 52 years, a nation and the world watched as this long-term remarried couple defined commitment and romance, showering each other with respect, affection, and open admiration.  Both political supporters and opponents acknowledged that the romance was real, the commitment genuine, the love true.

         

In the end, Nancy would care for her husband tirelessly, rarely leaving his side, tending their love faithfully despite the challenge of his Alzheimer’s disease.  Ron would slip away quietly, leaving his legacy in films and public service.  His legacy would include, also, a shining example of commitment and love within a second marriage.

[An Excerpt from “Happily Remarried” by David & Lisa Frisbie]